Jon • Kate + 8 = Why Procreation Isn't For Everyone

I really should be doing wedding things for Katy right now but I just had to tell you; Jon and Kate have a dysfunctional relationship. I know this might come as a surprise but if you throw a couple with 8 small children on TV things are not going to end well.

Enough of the trying to be funny and saying something new, I could not care less about Jon and Kate or the Angelina/Brad/Jen love triangle that occasionally turns into a rhombus when Jen finds a man (or in John Meyer's case a boy). My question is why do I need to know about Jon's hot and steamy second affair with the nanny and how they have sex when the kids are in the other room? Why do I need to know that this time Jen is over Brad for real now that she has Gerard Butler in her life (and really going for King Leonidas? So cliche.)

The answer is I don't know, and there will always be room for useless gossip in American culture, you can not get rid of it. The truth is I am fascinated by this in a way, Brad and Jen split up in 2005, or so my research says and yet we are still talking about them. They are either incredibly weak when it comes to their emotions or their is a vast conspiracy in the entertainment industry to keep this story going to make us forget about the fact that Jennifer Aniston's career ended when Friends ended. Regardless the 4 years of Star magazine covers is not ending any time soon.

As for Jon and Kate who thinks having 8 kids is a good idea? OK, and who thinks having camera crews and producers follow your every movement is a good idea? Now let's combine those two ideas. If you came anywhere near the word "moronic" then you are correct. These people are egotistical maniacs! They had 8 children for Christ's sake, talk about narcissistic (and do not blame the fertility drugs, they already had two kids, they knew the chances of having too many kids and they could have helped the world out and adopted). Then they went on TV? When has reality TV ever led to good things? The first winner of Survivor went to jail, and have you seen Flavor of Love?

I don't know where this is going so I'm just going to stop here, but before I go I just want to say do not have 8 children, do not lay your relationship out for all of America to see, and do not under any circumstances date Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, or Jennifer Aniston.

The Buck Stops Here

To quote the large book about a man I read in 7th grade, "The Buck Stops Here". Big Buck Hunter makes me want to buy a shotgun and go hunting for Big Buck Hunter consoles. In particular the Big Buck Hunter at TC's Lounge. Why? Because at no point in it's existence does that game not piss me off.

The one thing that really, really, really, really gets my gourd (old people say it why can't I?) is the noise that emanates from the machine when someone is not playing it. It makes this western wolf like noise every time the game starts it's loop. If you have been with me to TC's you would know that each time it does this I also make a noise, but one a game isn't allowed to make.

Now let's get one thing straight, if you live in Boston, you attend Berklee, you wear flip flops with pants and you frequent a drinking establishment called TC's Lounge then you are not a hunter and the closest you are going to get to a rifle and a large four legged animal is a paint ball gun and your friends Newfoundland (an exchange you would lose). So no, I'm not impressed by the "skillz" you have in respect to Big Buck Hunter, because if that gun was real and that Moose an actual 400 pound piece of meat and fur you would have no clue what to do.

Which brings me to my next point; it's just glorified target practice, that cheetah isn't going to maul you and that heard of Buffalo isn't going to trample you. There is no threat to your person what so ever, you are hitting clay ducks but instead of a gun with kickback its a glorified laser pointer for $1 - $2. That's fun?

That all being said, I had my moment of weakness with the game a few weeks ago when Katy and I went to NYC for her to sit in a meeting and for me to drink at random bars. At one of these said bars I was going to the bathroom and I noticed that there was a "Safari" edition of Buck Hunter. After scoffing at it I noticed that there was one credit already loaded on the game, and being a person who never turns down things that are free, and apparently a person who changes there opinion on things just because they are now free (so yes give me free things and then I will no longer sneer at you, strong convictions), I decided to give it the good old college try (I have no idea what that means but I wanted to say it). I picked my weapon (having never fired a weapon this was quite simple and random), I picked my prey (always wanted to hunt Elephant, just don't have the few extra grand laying around to pay off an African tribe to tie one up for me to shoot), and I was ready.

Then the machine prompted me for another credit. Like teachers making making 10 question quizzes worth 20 points, this machine made one play worth 2 credits. Why would they do that? Besides making me feel and look like a complete and utter moron I can think of no reasons.

So yes Big Buck Hunter does make me want to shoot things, but four legged animals have no need to be worried.

What I Just Read: rabbit, run

For the brief but wondrous thoughts on the cover go here.

Let's get one thing straight I hate Rabbit; no not the cute furry animal, I am talking about the non-committal, selfish and just all around simple minded character in John Updike's well written book rabbit, run.

To be honest I thought it was a well written book, John Updike is very talented when it comes to character development and switching point of view mid scene, and hell everyone loves some good stream of consciousness. But I don't think by the end of this book I have hated any character as much as I hate Rabbit. Except, of course, Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye, and don't act like you don't know who or what I'm talking about because there is no way you haven't read Catcher in the Rye because everyone who likes to read has read Catcher in the Rye because Catcher in the Rye is everyone's favorite book and is definitely worth recommending every time someone tells you they like to read.

Did I mention I hate that book? All I wanted to do the whole time was climb through the book, slap Holden across the face, watch him cry and then drag him back to his parents and give him a time out. I get it, you don't become an adult because you want to be an adult you become an adult because it is time to be an adult, you rise to the occasion, and you don't get to pick when that occasion happens. So yeah, you probably really like that book because in some way you can relate, but just because everyone can relate to something doesn't make it a good book. Sort of like when your favorite movie is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. On second thought I don't need to give you two reasons to stop reading my blog.

Moving on!

Updike has three more books in his series on Rabbit and I don't know if I want to conitue reading them or not. On one hand Rabbit infuriates me so much that I want to throw things but on the other Updike writes well and I do enjoy the book for the most part. Regardless I can't find a copy as of right now so it may be a while until I have to come to a real decision.

Oh and for the record I did get looks for reading this book, or at least I think I did, I'm not sure. On second thought I may have been inventing those looks that the homeless guy was giving me that I took as anti-snobbery looks, but that might be for other reasons, I mean he is homeless.

Notes From a Bar

Yesterday I decided to go to a bar and drink for a couple hours while studying and doing some reading. One problem, yesterday was Saint Patrick's Day and I did not factor that into my plan. So here are the notes I took while sitting there drinking delicious Ballantine from a tall can.

• Who goes to a bar on Saint Patrick's Day and drinks water? Yes I havea problem with how commercial Saint Patricks day is in general but if you are going to celebrate the day by dressing like a Shamrock and going to a bar the least you can do is drink something with alcohol in it.

• That's right, that ID reads Kevin Patrick Doyle and no I am not wearing any green (Though I think the funny look was for the passport I handed her in lieu of my missing Drivers Liscense).

• I am morally opposed to large packs of girls. They are loud, drunk, too well prepared, they cackle and have a weird sense of empowerment in group's larger than 4.

• Why is it that Americans need special days as an excuse to drink and act like children? IF you like to drink and act like an idio then do it, don't hijack an Irish holiday to suit your unfortunate problems. I mean look at me I'm alone, at a bar drinking and complaining about life and I didn't even realize it was a designated drinking day until I got here.

• Is there a more appropriate bar to sit at and drink cheap quality beer while reading a book and complaining about life than a bar modeled after Charles Bukowski?

• Isn't today a work day? How are all these people drinking at 3 in the afternoon? I makes you wonder how Americans espouse the 40 hour work week and how many actually work 40 hours a week? WIth all the cutting out early on fridays, "business lunches", holidays (state approved and not), office parties, sick days, "sick days", and vacation days I wouldn't be surprised if less than half the people who claim to work 40 hours a week actually do.

• It always surprises me how girls take days like Halloween, Saint Patrick's Day, etc. to dress inappropriately and then wonder why men treat them like nothing more than something to stare at.

• "Potato Day" I just heard a toast with those words, I think there is more to Ireland than Potatoes. I bet the Irish government would like you to think otherwise.
  

• I wish my life required me to wear a suit everyday, downside would be I would become a selfish prick.

• Bukowski isn't even fucking Irish, he's German you fools! Get the hell out!

• I should start introducing myself as a writer; simple, and hard to disprove. Again downside would be that I would become a selfish prick.

• Dear Ballantine Executive: The only reason I drink your beer is because my parents let me decipher the riddles you guys put on your bottle caps when I was a child. If your intent with those riddles was to hook children at a young age then you succeeded.

• I hope Saint Patrick realizes that he is one hell of an enabler.

• OMG! (Yes I just did that, digest it and move on) Indiana Jones is here! Background: As you know I work at Borders (no way!), anyway one of our all to frequent customers is a guy who dresses like Indie; every single day of his life. By dresses like I mean hat, jacket, beard, pants, shoes and the archaelogist bag. Well that man is sitting 10 feet away from me.

• One problem with the murals of Bukowski there are not enough Women on them.

• The difference between a pack of girs at a bar and a pack of guys at a bar is with guys all that was discussed was the time and place but with girls it was the time, place, back up place, who to invite, who not to invite, how many drinks to have, how many waters to have, how do we get there, what to wear and is it a girls night or can we try and incorporate a guy or two.

• We have moved from generic Irish musice to the album "London Calling" by The Clash. I knew I liked this bar.

• My waitress doesn't know how to deal with my sitting here drinking alone. I get the sense that she wants to ask me if I'm all right or if I have a drinking problem.

• Not eating all day and then going out for beer and greasy food was a poor choice (And I'm sorry for the all too well known Anchorman line that entered you brain just now, it wasn't my intention).

• Drinking before work was also a poor choice (again sorry), if I'm not slightly boozey by the time I get there then I will be incredibly tired.

• I need to join a drinking club.

• Why don't Women rul the world? Seriously they are better at everything that matters in life. How have they not developed cloning, turned into lesbians and eliminated the male race. Wait, I didn't say any of that.

• Nevermind I did say that because I see what the problem is all women are attracted to assholes and without men they would be lost in trying to find someone who they love that just continually breaks them down emotionally. That's what us men are here for.

• I am not the only person in here drinking while at the same time trying to study. There I feel better.
  

Who-Gar-Den

To all you bartenders and waitresses who have looked at me funny for saying Hoegarden as “Whogarden” I give you the pronunciation found on the package. I did not suffer this drink for nearly four months to be told I say it wrong.

I Want My Money Back

I’m not one for using lyrics to express myself but in this case it’s just to hard to pass up. In the words of Ben Folds, give me my money back, give me my money back.....you bitch.

I Want My Money Back.

It’s been a little over a month since my classes started, and having taken a few tests and read a few books I think I can give me overall first impression of my classes. This is also my final full semester at NU (I have two summer sessions left) so naturally there is going to be some NU grumbling (A certified grumble has been spotted!) is to be had. Onward comrades!

Global Climate Change

It was this class, Dinosaurs or Natural Disasters in the running to fill my Natural World requirement. Natural Disasters was a class of 250, and Dinosaurs I have heard is not what it is advertised as, so I went with Climate Change.

So far I’m happy with my choice, knowledge has been learned and the reading easy. All in all I have received the education I expected; a bunch of facts I could have learned via a few hours of internet research. Go NU!

Spanish

I took Spanish instead of testing out of Italian (for my language requirement) because I thought it would be better to walk away with an understanding of Spanish rather than bullshitting my way into two years of Italian on my transcript. I knew it would be hard but I figured it would end up being a fruitful choice, and so far it has been, very good choice on my part.

That being said, is it the best use of my money towards learning a language? Probably not. For the amount of money I spend on tuition I could probably spend a month or two in a Latin American country and I would walk away from it with a much better understanding of Spanish. Or I could go to a more cost beneficial program (compared to the cost of tuition) at a Language Institute.

If it wasn’t for the language requirement for a BA at NU I would not be taking Spanish, but this was the best use of the 4 credits I could find.

Contemporary Black Politics

I went into this class thinking we would start off by talking about local black politics (Chuck Turner and the like) and the up and comers in national African American community (Jesse Jackson Jr, Cory Booker, Michael Steele) and the effect of Barack Obama on the political process, especially for African Americans. Sounds like an interesting class right? That’s what I thought and that’s why I took it.

Well instead it has turned out to be a history class, centering on slavery and the struggle of African Americans from Reconstruction to Civil Rights. All well and good but the class is call CONTEMPORARY Black Politics. For those of you who may be confused about it’s definition, I present it to you now.

Contemporary
adj.
1. Belonging to the same period of time: a fact documented by two contemporary sources.
2. Of about the same age.
3. Current; modern: contemporary trends in design.

No where in the definition does it say history.

Now I understand that one needs to put the current political climate into a historical context but do you really need to do so for a 2 months (effectively half the scheduled class time)? If I wanted to learn about slavery and the struggle for equality I would have taken a History of Black Politics class. Instead I took this class because I all ready know about slavery, W.E.B. Du Bois, Frederick Douglass, Malcom X and Martin Luther King. What I wanted to better understand is the current state of African American politics the post-Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton era. I want to talk about my local African American community, something I encountered on my last Co-Op (btw I will post something soon about the BRA) and the future of African American political thought process.

But know I am learning about slavery for the 5th time in my life.

Senior Capstone

Going into this class (a graduation requirement mind you) all I wanted to do was write a 25 page paper on a Political Science topic of my choice. I wanted to research something that interested me and end up with a sizable piece of writing in a field I could head into in the future.

Yes I was asking for a large paper and mundane lectures, you would think I would get what I wanted.

What I got was group led class discussions, a bunch of mediocre to terrible books to read, and a pair of book reviews. No 25 page paper.

Quick rant: What is the benefit of group projects. I get that in real world working on a team is common but that doesn’t translate well to group projects. In the real world there is a designated leader who gets paid more and has the qualifications to delegate tasks. In a classroom setting there is no incentives for one to be the leader, and those who do step up are hardly ever qualified. There I said it.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

In a normal class room setting this isn’t a bad thing, but when the discussions come from all corners of the Political Science spectrum and your teacher is versed in only one of them it can end up being vague and misrepresented. Couple that with the fact that there are 65 Political Science majors in one room open to discussion there is going to be some problems.

First you have to understand that Political Science majors go on to be, among other things, lawyers, policy wonks, politicians and professors; all people who carry large opinions and enjoy discussing them (or in most cases, shouting them). So yes this class has been a bunch of know-it-all students shouting unfounded statements at each other while the professor tries to manage a volume of students that is too large for each subject.

For once in my life I am not one of the top 5 talkers in the room.

*****

Overall I’m disappointed, I expected more from this semester. So far all I have come away with is a bunch of facts I could have found from looking in a geology book and an understanding of the Spanish language I could have gotten (and then some) for cheaper by living in a Latin American country for a few months. I’m starting to think Will Hunting was right when he told that asshole from Harvard that he could get the same education with a library card and late fees.

That being said I should have seen this coming. I can count on one hand how many classes that I consider to have gotten my money’s worth out of. Not to mention I consider College to be a game in the way that High School was a game, just that this time I have to pay $40,000 a year for it.

What I Am Reading: A More Perfect Constitution

I have since finished this wonderful piece of work (I kid) read the review here.

With the completion of that awful book comes the start of Larry Sabato’s - A More Perfect Constitution. Besides being the book that my group project is centered around I actually was looking forward to reading this because I love “What If?” situations and revising things (usually things that don’t really need revising). What I am no looking forward to is the class discussion about this, come to think of it I hate every class discussion in that class.

Funny story. So in my Capstone class we have to do a group project on a range of topics, and I chose to be in the American government group, for obvious reasons. Within my group we had to pick a concentration, I chose state and local government for obvious reasons. Slight problem; my professor has a doctorate in state and local government.

What I Just Read: Fixing Failed States

In the immortal words of Denny Green "they are who we thought they were!" Just as I stated before this book proved to be predictable and if nothing else just a grouping of ideas and forward thinking policies that we all know but refuse to implement.

The problem with the world today is that too many states have governments that have failed them because of their inability to provide a stable government that is free of corruption and is geared to a capitalistic working environment. The remedy calls for the consolidation of aid agencies into one forward thinking cabal that seeks to implement stable governments that are accountable to the people and provide a market and public financing.

Basically make the third world like the first world, and do it through investing infrastructure and good government.

And how is that a new idea?

All in all this book presented nothing new to me and did so in a frustrating format that could have been scaled down to a magazine article and probably would have reached a wider audience because of that.

I'm going to go read something interesting and informative now.

Of inner city lakes, beer and Eric Lindros

I have said it before and I will say it again, I should have gone to school in Florida.

I know you people in Alaska, Minnesota, Canada, and Siberia (Scandinavia your standard of living is too high to complain) experience terribly cold winters, and I am sorry for that but you have nothing on New England weather. We may not get many below zero days as you do but in all do respect 33 degrees and sleeting is the worst experience in the world.

Yesterday started out as a decent winter day, high 20s and snowing. I'm ok with that, because snow is not wet, unless you get it inside your clothing. Of course the day didn't stay that way, not in land of 75 degree days in January! Oh no, because when I emerged from Spanish it was sleeting! I'm fine with the sleet itself, so what if I get soaked to the bone but at the same time I'm turning blue with cold, it's really the lakes that develop along the sides of each street. Lakes varying from 1 inch to 1 foot deep and because of all the icebergs floating on the surface you have no idea how deep they are until your leg is halfway submerged.

Needless to say the Odyssey back home, back to NEU, and then back home again was fairly taxing. On the journey I went through two coats, a pair of gloves, countless socks, two sweatshirts, and a pair of pants. Terrible right? Couldn't possibly get worse right?

Wrong!

Because that is only half of why days like yesterday are terrible. Days like yesterday include above freezing temperatures and rain which leads to the washing away of all the salt laid down throughout the course of the day. Then, as night arrives, the temperatures drop below freezing and because of the non-existent salt every surface freezes over. Including the sidewalk in front of my apartment.

Well as all of you know I supervise Broomball most nights during the week. This requires me to leave my apartment at about 9:30 PM.

Leave at precisely 9:30 PM I did just that, and about 9:31 PM I found myself lying flat on my back staring up at some guy with a case of beer in his hand saying "are you all right?"

Now this has happened only once before in my life (staring up from my back into someones face wondering how I got myself into such a predicament), and that is when I was 6. What happened? Let's just say there is a reason why at the YMCA pool (and most pools for that matter) they have signs that say RUNNING IS NOT PERMITTED.

Of course this time I got right up, made a few jokes with the guy about the ice and how maybe I should go get a case of beer and call in. Then I walked (carefully) down to Marino and made light of what happening, worked and then went home to sleep.

I'm starting to think that that last part was probably not a smart idea, because ever since the fall my head has been hurting quite a bit and I don't distinctly remember falling last night (just the lying on my back). Which would lead me to believe that I have a concussion, albeit probably a very minor one (still you shouldn't sleep after a concussion). If that was indeed a concussion like I think it was that would bring my total concussion total up to 5 (that being said only one two were severe in my opinion and two, including the one last night, are suspect).

In order they are:

- Pool incident (severe)
- Falling off of a 6 foot wall and slamming my head against the side walk and left me puking all night
- Being hit so hard into the boards in hockey that I blacked out for a few seconds (severe)
- Passing out while going pee in my upstairs bathroom, which resulted in me waking up with a pulsating skull from my head striking the toilet. The fainting occurred because I was immobile for about 2 hours or so watching Man on Fire (great movie) and then suddenly standing up and running up the stairs to go the bathroom.
- Finally last nights fall.

I'm a regular Eric Lindros aren't I?

That being said if I end up being a vegetable thanks to all my concussions New England weather can be partially to blame and can expect a phone call from my lawyer.

Three Things I Learned Today

1. Paul McCartney needs to stop making music.

2. Bob Dylan needs to stop making music.

3. And Bruce Springsteen forgot how to write lyrics that make sense.

Twitter me this.

So my check bounced today. Not just any old check, but a check from the City of Boston. A payroll check for close to $200. I was kind of counting on that money, money that I was given counter credit for. So what I'm really saying is is that this is not cool. Because I no longer work at the BRA this is going to cause me to call my boss on Monday and ask her to help me deal with this instead of me emailing HR from my office email which would have been much easier. Also I was expecting another $200 check to come in tomorrow which now I will be worried it will bounce.

I mean how does the City of Boston using Paychex bounce a fucking check? How is that possible? I mean I know I was the lowest of the low in my department and if anyone is going to miss out on money it's going to be the kid who USED to work there, but come on.

Sorry I just couldn't adequately describe my frustration in a Tweet.

Office Appliances

I'm about ready to go Michael Bolton on about 10 different pieces of Office Equipment right now.

Why is it that all Office Equipment (at least all Office Equipment I have ever worked with) either is incredibly outdated (my computer), makes a high pitched screech (the copier) or simply refuses to work the way it is supposed to (no specific example because everything here malfunctions). I mean really I should have two screens, a faster processor and 1 GB of ram on this thing and my job would be far easier, cheaper and propably eliminate another employee. It's infuraiating.

The real source of my anger is the copier which occasionally makes this really high pitched sound that would drive a dog insane. The first time it took me 20 minutes to locate it and then shut down the machine. Now I only have to get up and shut the machine off everytime it happens because I know who the culprit is. But still I want to bring a baseball bat in to work.

Inside Voices

I now know why the Northeastern Co-Op gets this specific cubicle, the Engineers love to hold loud impromptu meetings right next to it. It would be one thing if the person I am talking to on the phone shouted their half of the conversation, but since her employees follow the "Inside Voices Directive" handed down by their respective Kindergarten teachers she does not see a reason to violate the rule herself.

Grumbling Along.....

As many of you have undoubtedly realized I have gone on something of a posting binge since I remembered I had a blog a couple weeks ago (I'm sorry, I give you permission to hit the mark all as read button up at the top of your RSS reader) but within that binge (can I say that?) I have seriously neglected to include any real grumbling about being an underling. I say to you, No More (Said like the actress in the Count of Monte Christo)! Here are some grumblings, from me, The Underling.


Grumbling #1
You know what really gets my goat (I have always wanted to use that phrase in context, I have others as well so watch out!)? People who do not replace the water in the water cooler. But you know what I enjoy doing more than most any other mundane, not fun, slightly irritating thing in an office environment? No it's not talk to my coworkers about politics, it's changing the water for the water cooler!

So I have a sort of dilemma, on one hand I want to chop the hands off of those who do not replace the empty water jug, and on the other hand I love replacing the empty water jug (for the sole purpose that that means that something has been deminished and completed, I don't know what it is but I love that feeling). So far I have been just enjoying the replacing because the other option is slightly bloody and may get me fired, which means I would really be in trouble with Kari (not to mention I think Sallie May may [Ha!] call in my loans and I don't have $60,000 at the moment despite my success) and I don't want that. Suggestions?


Grumbling#2
I walked into the break room today to clean out my Tupperware from lunch (I just have to cut back on those high profile luncheons, it's the economy, even us Underlings have been effected) and as I passed by the sink to the trash I realized that we have a garbage disposal! Why was I not alerted to this? Why did it take me 5 1/2 months to discover this? Do you understand how I would not have had to bring home dirty tupperware every day? Just because I am an intern doesn't mean I need not be included in such developments as a garbage disposal! That goes for the expansive supply closet I didn't know we had. I need to leave a long list of things for the incoming intern including garabage disposal, supply closet, Bill, the Coke Machine, and the ability to take Agency cars.

This is Kevin on Anger

This is what Kevin looks like after he has carried his skates all around Boston only to find a half mile long line (I exaggerate) to get into the Frog Pond. This is a level below Hulk.

Katy is happy. I don't know why. There is nothing to be happy about at this point.

Moral of the story: Kevin must be given "Cut in Line Privelages" in the name of public saftey.

From The Archives: A Letter to Gary Bettman from the Canadian People

So you know how something like an hour ago I posted a poem about hockey and the lock out? And how I said if I found any more poems about hockey I would send them your way? Well yes, I found one, one in which I am Ghost writing as the Canadian people (I always wanted to be the Canadian) who are putting the hurt to Mr. Gary Bettman (nice guy). Sadly since I posted this if Gary Bettman is ever found entombed in a sheet of ice I may be suspected of having the keys to the Zamboni. Here you are poetry piece #2!

Letter to Gary Bettman from the Canadian People

Your most honorable fool: We the Canadian people
would like to know what it is you want
with our great game we call hockey.
At first you took our teams
from Quebec and Winnipeg,
but now you have taken your purge one step further.
You have destroyed our game.
Not by taking our game from every Canadian city,
but by taking it from all of North America.
You have forced our players to all corners of the globe.
Yet you laugh, you smile, like the fool you are.
You make your claims, you make your assertions,
but you know nothing of our game.
You are a businessman, not a hockey player,
and even at that you are not good.
We wish you no ill,
We are of course a peaceful people
But as for your job
we care not to let you have it.
So pack up your things,
turn in your keys,
because if it were not for you,
we would have some hockey.

Going to be found in poetry classes for years to come.

Underling Squared!

So I work at Borders, something I have mentioned a few times now and I promised a post this Sunday for you. Well it's Sunday and I should be at work right now so here is your post about Borders.

Borders is one of two very large national booksellers (not bookstore) the other being Barnes & Noble, they are not the same company. Just because they both sell books and they both start with a "B" unfortunately does not mean that they are the same company, much to the agitation of many a customer.

Just so you all know I do not want to shove a Borders Rewards Card down your throat as much as you do not want one but Borders made me do it. Though if you don't want to be bugged about it anymore, there is a simple remedy; just get one, put a fake email on it and hand it to us each time, I swear I will leave you alone. That and I won't get bugged about lagging numbers from my boss every week. You would think we were selling Borders Rewards cards and not books.

Honestly does it benefit a company enough to continually shove something they don't want in their face? If someone does not want a free card that sends you coupons in your email and nothing else the first 2 times you ask (the second time just in case they heard you wrong the first time) then I think it is reasonable to believe that they will never want one and you should not ask. Also does it make sense in this world of corporate speak and rewards cards to even go for a program like that any more? Why not just become the company that doesn't bother you and is only there to assist and find the book that screams "You!" Then again I have never before worked in retail so I couldn't tell you what works but I just find something wrong about pushing things on people who do not want them.

"You look like you need some practice. Here do my work."

When I first started here at the BRA my co-workers took me under their wing and helped me by showing me how to enter data correctly and if anything went wrong they would help. They started giving me their payrolls to enter so I could really get a handle on what I was doing. August rolled around and I was still getting stuff from them, the came September, October, November and now it's December, my finally month here, and they are still giving me their work to do but now they have dropped the whole "practice line" and toss it on my desk like I was supposed to do it all along or something. I'm starting to think I have been tricked....

I get it, I'm an intern, the lowest common denominator. But that doesn't mean people have to act like they are doing me a favor when in actuallity I am doing them a favor. I'm no moron (debateable), if you want me to do your work just tell me as much, it's my job to do it.

I'm Old Therefore I Don't Have To Try To Understand It

Having parents and working with adults has led me to a realm that I find slightly entertaining, kind of annoying, almost always baffling, and at the same time utterly depressing. This realm consists of old people (if you are 15 years older than mean you are considered an old person, sorry you 37 year olds, you are old) and technology.

Everyday I deal with payroll clerks from construction companies who don't understand how to attach files to emails or can't understand Excel and things like that. Yes it's frustrating but also it's understandable because unlike me (and all 12 of you readers out there! Yes I know there are 12 because Google is creepy and can track where you all are, yes Brian I know you read my blog, it says one person reads from Bridgewater and unless Thomas is taking time away from his crops then it must be you) they didn't grow up with computers, side by side. But what I cannot take is people who refuse to notice the good in computers and those who refuse to accept any type of failure from them.

For an example of this I was thinking of using my parents, but I love them, so I thought it would be cruel, a bit unfair and if anything just down right ungrateful (see Dad I do care!). Besides it isn't my moms fault she can't turn on a computer it's society's fault. But in lieu of my parents there is this old guy who sits next to me is really a ball buster, probably one of the biggest ones I have met, but more on him personally some other time. Anyway in the context of this post he is a perfect example. He is your average cranky, life was better back in the day, type of guy. Perfect.

Well a couple days ago this guy (lets call him Bill) had an issue with his computer, it wouldn't print any attachments from Outlook. A frustrating problem because he needs to print this attachment to talk about them, because he will not read them on the screen, jot some notes down, and then talk about the document. Not possible.

Well OK, things should work like they are advertised, I can agree with that. But really does this piece of brilliance that has made the lives of many not to mention the engineers like Bill who use auto-CAD and email everyday really deserve quotes like this?

Quotes from Bill

"This machine is a piece of shit!"

"I told him he can throw this piece of shit out the window!"

"...in the ocean"

"...in the dumpster"

Now he was telling (more like yelling) this to anyone who would listen to him. Really pissing me off because I sit right next to him in the office and he has a habit of shouting when he gets all worked up and the profanity starts to bother me (I know, weird, because I swear just as well as anyone). He finally called up the IT guy and bitched to him for 10 minutes about how his computer sucks and how he wants a new one that will print attachments. Good I hope he gets a faster machine for his emailing, because no one in my department could use a fast machine with two screens each to process spread sheets and transcribe pdf's into excel to make our work go faster, no no no Bill needs a fast machine for his email. God knows he deserves it.

At this point I had decided I was going to throw him in the ocean if he didn't shut his mouth soon. Because I knew what was probably wrong with his computer, for the past week our Internet and network had been lagging real bad, Gtalk kept timing out on me and simple pages just wouldn't load. So that probably meant that his documents, if they were large enough were probably lagging getting to the printer, or lagging downloading, or lagging somewhere else. Everything has been slow so it make sense that when in the same time frame he has the first computer error he has ever had (he says he has never had a problem in ten years) comes on the same day our network is crawling then there is probably a correlation. Well you know what, I was right.

Finally one of the other engineers takes pity on poor Bill (real pity too, you can hear it in her voice) and comes over to help. After some deliberation and more profanities from Bill they realize what the problem is, Bill isn't waiting for the attachment to load before he hits print, resulting in errors and extra copies when it finally does print. He looks stupid as a result, and he knows it.

He didn't take the time to understand the problem, he wants instant satisfaction, it should always work! But nothing is like that, not cars, not people, not institutions, not computers they all have issues because there are far too many factors involved for every to be perfect. And most of the time the problem is the human factor involved, in this case it was a Grumpy Old Man.

Oh and I have started making it a habit of shutting his computer off when he is not looking.




Oh and that creepy google thing? http://www.google.com/analytics/

The Voice of Voices

There is a woman who works here who has one of those voices that goes right through you. When she talks you stop to listen because paying attention to what she is saying is slightly less excrutiating than not listening to her. It's like fingernails on a black board, or utensils scratching a dinner plate, it is just something I cannot stand and because of it I am glad she works at the complete other end of the floor and hardly ever makes it past my cubicle.